Happy B-Day Mommy!

she´s turning 42 today...she doesn´t look like...i Loooove her...she really is the greatest mom...i know and other people can tell...i´m really proud of her cause she´s strong and smart...she has take me to where i am...still looks pretty and young...i´ll take her for lunch and then go to valencia...

so i wraped her bedroom door with all this silly things for her to come home tonite while i´m in valencia and finds this nice surprise...she´ll like it i know...cause she loves prett, silly lil things C=

.-But Gravity Always Wins-.

Her green plastic watering can

For her fake chinese rubber plant

In fake plastic earth.

That she bought from a rubber man

In a town full of rubber plants

Just to get rid of itself.

And it wears her out, it wears her out

It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man

A cracked polystyrene man

Who just crumbles and burns.

He used to do surgery

For girls in the eighties

But gravity always wins.

And it wears him out, it wears him out

It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing

She tastes like the real thing

My fake plastic love.

But I cant help the feeling

I could blow through the ceiling

If I just turn and run

And it wears me out, it wears me out

It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted

If I could be who you wanted,

All the time, all the time...

...and if you could be who i wanted...

Boys who like Girls...*BBQ...jaja...how silly am i?*

ok so...i think i´ve had 3 emotional conections with boys so far in my life...or at least the ones i most recall or that moved me somehow...The first will be called B from now on, the 2nd B2 and the third will be called Q...(initials have been changed for witness protection)...

with B i was so damn young! i really was a kid...but i was soooo into him...i think i really was inloved with him...we just started hanging together and then he was all the time in my home...my mom loved him, we had friends in common, i cried with him, we laughed so hard, played so much, and learned so many stuff....he woke up in me so many feeling i didn´t knew...and i learned a lot about myself with him...we used to talk for hours on the phone and spend all afternoon together, nights watching tv...sometimes "cooking" with our friend b.c (initials changed) ^_^ i´m so dumb! anyways when it ended i was kinda mean...we did wrong, he did, so did i...and i decided to take him out of my life...with a clean cut...i spent almost 2 years in regret...till something happened with B2 and talking to my mom i decided it was time for me to give B a call...and he accepted my apologies and reacted amazingly well to my words...i´m so glad for that nite i took the phone! we taklked for over an hour even tho we hadn´t talked in a few years!...now we talk now and then, i know things won´t ever be the same...time changes everything...i´m just pretty happy of what i lived and learned...hope he thinks the same...

B2 was this boy...a lil bit older than me...there was phisicall atraction from the fisrt minute...everyone could tell...then i started an introduction class to his classroom cause it was my social service to the university i attend to...so we started talking...and sharing stuff...but real stuff...problems, feelings...the coolest part was the flirting games on the hallway...but he was a broken boy...too many problems so i realized it was kinda contagious and i did some really bad stuff i´ve feel guilty all this time to the person who most deserves all my love, devotion and dedication for so many reasons that naming them would take me like a zillion posts...still i told him how i felt about him and things just died...he acted like an ass...after that he tried to get close again a few times but i may not know what i really really want but i sure know what i don´t want...

Q is this boy who´s a lil bit younger than me...at the beggining i was so playing hard to get but sooo dying to be around him...he asked me out on a valentines days and i kinda said nope, that day he sent an e-mail with his cell phone number and i wrote to him weeks after that!! cause one day we where on the msn and he told me that medium was on, that he was staying talking but he needed me to remind him to see it that sunday, so i wrote to let him know...and he answered something like "there´s never been a better time to be on fire" jaja...i learned here that you have to let feelings flow and not to overthink...tho is so damn hard to me! well he did so many little things nobody did before that i think it...i´m not sure...i think the word that fits here might be infatuation...or may be not cause infatuation is whitout a reason but we did have reasons...anyways...i recall one nite we where on the msn and he used to make playlists for me and he said he was doing it for me to remeber if someday things ended that someone worked hard (se habia fajado) picking pretty songs for me...or like that time he said that he was getting online so late cause he knew i´d be there but that he usually didn´t, that before me he only got online to check his mail and then leave, that he was there cause of me...i remember our first date was at la estancia, and we layed down on the green green gras, talking and stuff, then one of this plants that fall like helicopters fall down and i grabbed it and show him how it worked...he took the plant into his bag, i thought that was sweet like if he wanted to keep it as a memory or so...one day we where in some kinda discution and i said something about him not caring...he asked me that then why he stayed online talking to me till 3 am on a school day...or that day i told him i thought of him during the day and wondered some things about him and he said he loved so...one day he went to this place (i think he nerver told me wich place was it), he came back so excited he said he wanted to take me there, to show me the things he saw...i have this thing for some hours...12:34, 11:11, 4:44, and stuff and he used to sent me sms´s with those times...he used to write to me almost everynight just to see what was i doing...to let me know which shows where on on tv, make word games, let me know everytime "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was on, sent pieces of lyrics on those sms, and gave me a few songs (i think that "this mess we´re in" by tom yorke and P.J. Harvey was the first one...and staind´s "Epiphany", an i think there, there by radiohead)...one day he wrote to me just to say that he had been thinking of me for no reason...it was nice......the day after my bday we went out and it was like the coolest nite we had...when he said goodbye he touched my hand grabing my fingers in such a sweet way i still remeber how it thrilled me...i´m so stucked there...still he did some shitty things that i try to keep in mind to not feel bad and just to think that what happens is always the best...most of the times it was a mistery for me what he was thinking about me...he said it was ass hard for him to show his love...but still, he didn´t cared that much about me...and that even tho all of his problems if he really wanted me as he said he would be here, or at the very least trying to...still i´m an ass...i still miss waking up and having old sms´s from him...i loved when he used to ask me what was on my mind...and that we talked in english...it was nice while it last...i won´t name the bad things cause i just wanna like "alimentar mi ego" using this thing my mom told me to...to write good stuff...the good things about me, my life, friends and feelings other peoples has had for me...so i thing i´m done for the nite...i know there are still a lot more boys to come...but is helpless to feel nostalgic about the good times...

I´d just like to know if he ever thinks of me...i guess the answer is no...he´d write to me or so...i hate not to know...i guess i don´t wanna know...plus i won´t write or do a thing...cause i kinda know he´s not right for me...anyways..it pisses me off...i heard a few day s ago that things or moments that don´t mean a thing to some and just forget...are turning points in the other persons life...i just hope to be some kind of mark or special spot in his mind...if not...well...he´s a real ass...

unplug myself

I´ll better myself...i mean i do it everyday but i need to be more agressive...work harder..starting now...so i´ll go to bed right now...i need change...bettere things for myself...i´m optimistic...have tons of plans and as shallow as it may sound i´ll start with my image *malefic laugh* C=

how bout getting off these antibiotics

how bout stopping eating when I'm full up

how bout them transparent dangling carrots

how bout that ever elusive kudo

thank you india

thank you terror

thank you disillusionment

thank you frailty

thank you consequence

thank you thank you silence

how bout me not blaming you (or me) for everything

how bout me enjoying the moment for once

how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you

how bout grieving it all one at a time

thank you india

thank you terror

thank you disillusionment

thank you frailty

thank you consequence

thank you thank you silence

the moment I let go of it

was the moment I got more than I could handle

the moment I jumped off of it

was the moment I touched down

how bout no longer being masochistic

how bout remembering your divinity

how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

how bout not equating death with stopping

thank you india

thank you providence

thank you disillusionment

thank you nothingness

thank you clarity

thank you thank you silence

I Had This Dream Last Nite...

...this boy was in it...we bumped in the streets one last time...everything looked so pretty in my dream...i was pretty, so was he and so were the streets...(jaja he was pretty)...he was soooo into me again...i could see it in his eyes...like that nigth he showed me the most i ever saw...it was clear...it was a nice dream...tho i woke up around 3 am and felt weird in that bed that´s not mine and in that bedroom...i turned on my ipod but still...i cryed...i wanted to be home...and i am now! so i´m happy as hell!

oh...today my mom asked me about him...i told her the last things that happened but i didn´t actually wanted to talk about it...it pisses me off...not only the situation around it...it pisses me off to recognize that i went wrong...but around my mom is mostly that i feel ashamed tho i knew what i was doing the whole time...

Plugged into the wall

Resumen Resumen Resumidito...

Casi voy a cumplir un mes sin escribir...pero es que el tiempo vuela y buehh...desde el domingo pasado y hasta el 15 de diciembre estare viviendo en valencia....este fin vine a Ccs...valencia es la anarquia total en cuanto a trafico...todas las mañanas conduciendo al hospital cada vez que me detengo en un semaforo en rojo me tocan corneta histericamente para que avance...

No hay mucho tiempo para pensar en cosas personales y por ahora mejor asi...muchas anecdotas para contar pero mejor sera hacerlo en otro momento...mañana me voy de nuevo a valencia...

Out the door

Just in time

Head down the 405

Gotta meet the new boss by 8 am

The phone rings in the car

The wife is workin hard

She´s runnin late tonight again

Well I know what I’ve been told

U gotta work to feed the soul

But I can’t do this all on my own

No I know

I’m no superman

I’m no superman

And you've got your love online

U think you're doin fine

But you’re just plugged into the wall

And that deck of tarot cards

Won’t get u very far

There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well I know what I've been told

U gotta know just when to fold,

But I can’t do this all on my own

No I know

I’m no superman

I’m no superman

You’ve crossed the finish line

Won the race but lost your mind

Was it worth it after all?

I need u here with me

Cause love is all we need,

Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I’ve been told

Gotta break free to break the mold

But I can’t do this all on my own

No I can’t do this all on my own

No I know

That

I'm noSuperman

I’m no superman

I’m no superman

(Some day well be together)

I’m no superman

(Some day)

(Someday well be together)

(Someday)

I’m no superman

P.S: Las nuevas experiencias y las personas diferentes abren tu mente y tus ojos...cambian tu manera de ver las cosas...random memorie: mi profe de psqiquiatria decia que la vida es una constante perdida...y el psicologo una vez me dijo que yo quemaba etapas mas rapido que los demas...

Bah i´m pretty tired and bored...want a lover...like now! i need something a "FNT" (fascinating new thing...that´s a semisonic song) something esciting pretty and nice to happen...soemthing NEW